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Stache

December 13, 2011

I shave my face.

Yep, that’s right, starting three weeks ago, I am THE smooth upper lip chick!

I am thrilled!  But I have gotten some uneasy glances when I ask my friends to feel how smooth my lip is.  Not because I am asking them to pet me, but rather because I am talking so openly about… gasp… shaving my face!

Who cares?  I shave other things every single flipping day.  I shave my pits and legs, and try to keep the “neither regions” non-Wookie.  Yet I walked around for YEARS feeling self-conscious about a Peach-Stache that would have made Bo Duke proud.

These days it is growing at a rate that can no longer be denied as cute and fuzzy, it’s more like “DUDE!  Your MOM is rockin’ Movember!”

Recently, I was scheduled to deliver the opening Keynote Speech to a room filled with 1000 people with my face plastered on two GIANT Jumbo-Tron screens on either side of the stage.  I had an “Uh-Oh Moment.”  I was beginning to panic and had no idea what to do with this conundrum.  I must admit to being the only known female on the face of the Earth who has never been waxed.  I considered it briefly when I first moved to New York, but then heard the stories from my friends Hilary and Stephani about their “Wax Woman” who laid them on a table, cold and naked from the waist down and barked at them to “Bend and Leeeft Ur Lag Higher!”  aaaand that fleeting fantasy was OVER.

Upon hearing my dilemma, a friend rescued me when she told me that you can shave your FACE with an electric shaver!  What a concept!  What a perfect answer to rid myself of my fuzz with a quick and simple buzz!

What was heartbreaking, however, was that she reveled this amazing tool with such secrecy… with such SHAME.

I wondered why she should ever feel that way.  And I wondered why no one had ever told me about this simple solution before?  I knew I had to break this bad boy open, so I began to ask around.  I found that she is not alone – women will go to great lengths to NOT discuss shaving and faces, and would rather go into intimate detail about how they are landscaping “downstairs” instead.    Which caused me to ponder, what is the ratio of face to “there” sightings?  I’m guessing it’s about 10,000:2 – and that would be a good week!

One of my super stylish Sushi Sisters has her… um… lower area shaped into a crisp triangle of perfection, which, after two drinks served in a glass of the same shape, she just might display for you upon request (HER statistics are probably slightly higher than 10,000:2).  Why should the horticultural maintenance of one area of growth be celebrated while another is treated with indignity?  I don’t want to go all Naomi Wolf here, but I was confused.

And I’m not saying I think women should shave their facial hair, but if we choose to do so, why should we feel such disgrace?  Come ON, think about the things we do –

As women, we:

pluck

tweak

pinch

primp

plump

freeze

tuck

suck

scrape and

smooth

ALL.  THE.  TIME.

These things are splashed across every glossy magazine cover every single month with giant font and exclamation points, with step-by-step How To’s inside.  How did it transpire that women could possibly feel bad about just another “beauty ritual?”   Oh yes I remember, because society dictated that women are not supposed to shave their face.  Right.  Just like women are not supposed to vote, or drive, or balance the budget, or run corporations, or preside over nations, right?    Two words.  Puh.  Leeze.

So here is where I stand.  I did try the Norelco route first, however I am the type of person who hates buzzing anywhere near my face – that humming enamel polisher at the dentist?  Seven minutes of pure TORTURE!  I can’t even use my fancy schmancy electric toothbrush because it tickles my lips too much.

So I found an actual straight edge razor from the local make-up store in town!   I just walked in the door and asked the clerk, and she handed me a three pack of Lady Straight Edge Blades in PINK.    They are so sharp you don’t need water or lotion or anything – it takes 20 seconds every other week and is painless.   I will admit to one downside – I can now see lines around my lips that I never knew existed before because they were cleverly hidden.

So… shave or don’t.  But please let’s not EVER feel ashamed about something we are doing to make ourselves happy.

You work hard, you are a good person, and you deserve to feel good about yourself!

And if you want to do something that is truly guaranteed to make you feel better… toss all your beauty magazines into the recycling bin without opening them! 

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From → Laugh at Life

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